I lie in bed, staring at a blank ceiling,
listening to the same music on repeat.
loud enough to drown out the world
hard enough to break me from my head.
I cannot love as I wish,
but I haven’t figured out the reason why yet.
maybe I’m too obsessed with one thing or another,
problem after problem.
I keep moving towards the future
but I’m stuck in whatever past I remember.
I keep staring outside the window with the blinds barely open,
looking at the world and the people passing by
and my mistrust is mistaken,
my thought process irrational,
so I go back upstairs and stare at the ceiling
because to me, outside is too dangerous
and people’s eyes are looking.
“I swear I’m trying”
that’s what I tell everyone
that’s what I tell myself
I’m too heavy for my own mental state
think too much to stay upright
too demotivated to think
and yet I still love you
I will sit by your bed
I will hold your hand
I will tell you stories until your eyes close
and you fall asleep
when you wake up
I am gone.
attention might be a drug
and art is a painkiller
anxiety is some final boss I can’t seem to beat
I don’t even know what’s happening in my head
but that’s what documents are for
sort it out
a-z
sort through records of memories
and there’s so many walls up there in my brain
so much blockage
kind of understandable to me
I think I’ve lost parts of my face
lost a bit of my chest
maybe I could write a book
or I could do something more productive
like work for the economy
but I am an introvert
I cannot bring myself to go outside
am I happy?
I could breathe
count down from 10
calm the aching in my chest
one time I felt like I was under water
and I couldn’t see very well
I later learned that anxiety can do some funky things
learned that these irrational thoughts weren’t normal
it’s been a few years since I woke up
haven’t been able to sleep since then
haven’t been able to get my brain out of its bed
I decided it was best to shut myself off
and I’m sorry I can’t say these things out loud
it makes more sense when I write it down
doesn’t take much to make me cry
doesn’t take much to send me spiraling
but maybe I loved you
maybe I loved me too
maybe I’ll learn how to write love letters to myself
I think that’s a good start
a beautiful thing
when I can see you again
I’m going to hug you
I’m going to remind myself of how much I love you
I want to see your eyes when you hug me too
I can see everything about you in your eyes
I’ve been living in a sunset for a while now
I’d like to see the dawn
but I guess I’ve got to try to see it
I guess I need to get up
my ceiling isn’t any sort of sky
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