My Jumbled Mess

I lie in bed, staring at a blank ceiling,

listening to the same music on repeat.

loud enough to drown out the world

hard enough to break me from my head.

I cannot love as I wish,

but I haven’t figured out the reason why yet.

maybe I’m too obsessed with one thing or another,

problem after problem.

I keep moving towards the future

but I’m stuck in whatever past I remember.

I keep staring outside the window with the blinds barely open,

looking at the world and the people passing by

and my mistrust is mistaken,

my thought process irrational,

so I go back upstairs and stare at the ceiling

because to me, outside is too dangerous

and people’s eyes are looking.

“I swear I’m trying”

that’s what I tell everyone

that’s what I tell myself

I’m too heavy for my own mental state

think too much to stay upright

too demotivated to think

and yet I still love you

I will sit by your bed

I will hold your hand

I will tell you stories until your eyes close

and you fall asleep

when you wake up

I am gone.

attention might be a drug

and art is a painkiller

anxiety is some final boss I can’t seem to beat

I don’t even know what’s happening in my head

but that’s what documents are for

sort it out


sort through records of memories

and there’s so many walls up there in my brain

so much blockage

kind of understandable to me

I think I’ve lost parts of my face

lost a bit of my chest

maybe I could write a book

or I could do something more productive

like work for the economy

but I am an introvert

I cannot bring myself to go outside

am I happy?

I could breathe

count down from 10

calm the aching in my chest

one time I felt like I was under water

and I couldn’t see very well

I later learned that anxiety can do some funky things

learned that these irrational thoughts weren’t normal

it’s been a few years since I woke up

haven’t been able to sleep since then

haven’t been able to get my brain out of its bed

I decided it was best to shut myself off

and I’m sorry I can’t say these things out loud

it makes more sense when I write it down

doesn’t take much to make me cry

doesn’t take much to send me spiraling

but maybe I loved you

maybe I loved me too

maybe I’ll learn how to write love letters to myself

I think that’s a good start

a beautiful thing

when I can see you again

I’m going to hug you

I’m going to remind myself of how much I love you

I want to see your eyes when you hug me too

I can see everything about you in your eyes

I’ve been living in a sunset for a while now

I’d like to see the dawn

but I guess I’ve got to try to see it

I guess I need to get up

my ceiling isn’t any sort of sky

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